Friday, November 2, 2012

Haunted Movie Marathon 2012 - Finale

The last part of October can feel a bit melancholy. I sometimes get so excited about Halloween in the first few weeks that I get a little tired when the actual event rolls around. I totally kept my steam up this year, and even had a few days where I just completely gorged myself on horror movies and candy, as Satan intended. As always, first viewings are in orange, rewatches are in black. (May contain light spoilers.)

October 22nd

The Gate (1987)
I feel like I should have seen this movie as a kid, but it somehow stayed under my radar until it popped up on Netflix. I loved it. This painfully 80s selection stars 14 year old Stephen Dorff who accidentally opens a gate to hell in his backyard, unleashing a bunch of demons. It's totally a "kid's" horror movie, but it's actually pretty damn Satanic, complete with a rare heavy metal album that contains the secrets to the demon world. Aces.

October 23rd

Beyond Re-Animator (2003)
I was glad to finally finish the Re-Animator trilogy, but man is this movie awful. I mean, I loved it, but let's not pretend that it's anything but a set-up for gratuitous splatter, sexy girls, and dismembered phalli.

October 24th

The Innkeepers (2011)
I mentioned this in my review of The House of the Devil. I actually caught this film in theatres when it came out last year, and was glad to see it again. I actually didn't quite pick up the first time that this movie is supposed to be set in the late 90s/early 00s, and there's a sort of cheesy feeling to it that plays off of that era. A tad predictable, but the humor and creepiness make it solid enough in my book.

October 25th

Audrey Rose (1977)
This wasn't really a horror movie in the traditional sense, though there were some startling scenes, but I found it intriguing and enjoyable. The concept is pretty cool, it's about a girl who dies at the exact second another girl is born, and her spirit enters the body of the other girl.

October 26th

The Wicker Man (1973)
This is my movie, dudes. I first watched this when I was a teenager and haven't seen it since. I quickly realised while I was watching it that the version I had first seen had been heavily edited, as it had way more tits and random musical numbers than I remembered. Anyway, it's a genuinely good and scary film and I highly recommend it.

October 27th

Insidious (2010)
I had heard a lot of buzz about this movie being really good/scary, but it literally put me to sleep. Like, I can't actually review it because I missed the last 15 minutes and I don't feel super motivated to fire it back up to watch the end. The acting was piss-poor, I didn't think it was scary at all; all the "ghosts" or whatever just looked like people in goth make-up. I was like, hey, you're not scary, I saw you at the club last week.

October 28th

Dead Snow (2009)
I had been wanting to see this for awhile, and I'm thrilled I finally got the chance. It really is hilarious, and gory, and gross, and everything you'd expect in a Nazi zombie film.

October 29th

Scream 2 (1997)
I was actually quite fond of the Scream films when they first came out. I'm pretty sure this was my first time watching this since it then, but it's still a fairly good watch. Nothing too mind-blowing, but a solid Halloween selection, and a lot of great 90s nostalgia.

October 30th

Atrocious (2010)
I have mixed feelings about found footage films, but this wasn't too bad. At was short, and it came together at the end. I don't really get scared by films like this, but if you don't mind shaky cam, it could be worth a look.

October 31st

A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987)
This is my favorite of the NoES films, and it stands up to watch after watch. I am totally planning on being Taryn (dream version, pictured at left) for next Halloween (or just, you know, the next time I go to the club.)

Other honorable mentions include Garfield's Halloween Adventure, It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, and the Invader Zim Halloween episode. That's it for this year's films! I hope everyone had a great Halloween!

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Haunted Movie Marathon 2012 - Week 3

Most of week 3 of October I spent traveling, and the rest was spent partying and getting trashed, so that's why this entry is being written in November, with the finale to come at a slightly later date. Sue me! As always, first viewings are in orange, rewatches are in black. (May contain light spoilers.)

October 15th

House (1986)
I'll be honest: I was expecting this to be awful and figured that at best I'd have something I could make fun of. It's actually awesome and funny as hell. Any movie where a dog carries around a severed demon hand in its mouth is generally going to go over well with me.

October 16th

The Shrine (2010)
I doubt this film will go down in any history books as an example of high quality cinema, but it will always hold a special place in my heart for being one of the few horror films to make me scream out loud (The Orphanage is another on that list, you may recall from last year). It's actually not a bad film at all, with some genuine creepiness, a cool twist at the end, and some seriously fucked up death scenes.

October 17th

Alien (1979)
I don't really need to write a review of one of the best films ever made, but I will throw out the recommendation that this is not the best film to watch while completely shitfaced. I ended up getting really confused.

October 18th

The House of the Devil (2009)
I. Love. This. Movie. Seriously. I've been a fan of Ti West since I saw Innkeepers in theatres last year, and I put this film on the second I realised it was on Netflix. I first watched it in September, but of course I had to watch it again as part of my Halloween preparations. The thing I really like about this movie and Ti West's other work is that it's great at building tension and suspense. It might seem slow to some people, but it has a great atmosphere and some incredible pay-off scenes.

October 19th

Reaper (2007–2009)
Technically not a film, but I really wanted to include it here. My roommates and I spent much of this week watching this entire series on Netflix, and what's more Halloween-ish than a show about kid whose parents sold his soul to the devil and is forced to become a soul reaper working directly under Lucifer himself? Reaper isn't particularly scary, but it's full of fun demons, engaging characters, and a lot of great one-liners. Definitely worth checking out (even if it was cancelled prematurely.)

October 20th

Apartment 143 (2012)
Our decision to watch this was mostly spurred by the fact that it featured Rick Gonzalez, who plans Ben in Reaper, and that was actually the sole redeeming factor of this skippable, not scary yawn-fest.

October 21st

Seed of Chucky (2004)
I've actually never seen any of the Child's Play films, and I never would have bothered to watch this, but my roommate randomly put it on and I didn't feel like getting up off the sofa. That said, I thought this was pretty funny and it had some good death scenes and also, randomly, John Waters.

I apologise again for the delay in week 3. I will be posting the finale and some other Halloween entries in the next few days, so sit tight and don't lose your Halloween spirit just yet!

Monday, October 15, 2012

Haunted Movie Marathon 2012 - Week 2

I can't believe it's already mid-October! Time certainly flies. It's finally cooling down in San Francisco, and nights are feeling spookier and spookier! As always, first viewings are in orange, rewatches are in black. (May contain light spoilers.)

October 8th

Perfect Blue (1997)
A true anime horror/thriller classic. I've always been very fond of this film, and everything from Satoshi Kon. This was the first movie of his that I watched, and it's still amazing every time I see it.

October 9th

Trick or Treat (1986)
This movie is way too much fun. A violent rock star gets resurrected when his album is played backwards and wreaks havoc, culminating in an explosive Halloween night concert. I'm just about dying to see someone pull off a Sammi Curr costume. Cameos from Gene Simmons and Ozzy Osbourne just sweeten the utter delight that is this movie.

October 10th

Hellraiser (1987)
I wasn't intending to include Hellraiser in this month's films because I already did so last year, but seeing as how it's one of my all-time favorite movies, it made its way onto the list. I don't have much else to say about it...just watch it if you haven't already. And if you have already seen it, watch it again.

October 11th

Hellbound: Hellraiser 2 (1988)
This was my first time watching any of the other Hellraiser films. I've heard a lot of mixed things, but figured the second one was at least worth a shot. I actually really enjoyed it. There are a lot of great gory scenes and the plot at least somewhat holds together. I tried to watch Hellraiser 3 later on and deemed it literally unwatchable after about 15 minutes. I rarely turn movies off, but yeah, definitely skip that one.

October 12th

Dreamaniac (1986)
Ugggh, god this was bad. It's full of unsexy sex scenes and side ponytails. (I'm pretty sure they spent 80% of their budget on hair scrunchies.) It's so shittily acted and shot that even the 3-4 gory death scenes couldn't redeem it for me. I actually spent most of this viewing Skyping on my phone so, uh, yeah. Don't watch it.

October 13th

Halloween (2007)
I'm very fond of the original Halloween, so I was highly skeptical about watching this, but my roommate kept insisting that it was excellent. After watching it, I do not disagree at all. It's beautifully shot, well-acted, and true to the original, while at the same time adding a ton of new stuff. I loved it.

October 14th

Repo! The Genetic Opera (2008)
It's pretty much my mission in life to get people to watch this movie. I've seen it quite a few times (and I listen to the soundtrack pretty often) and it never gets old. If you haven't seen it yet, I strongly recommend it. And if you don't like it, you are dead to me.

Hope you enjoyed week 2! Tune in next time when I will probably make up some movies that I didn't actually watch because I'll be on a road trip for half of next week.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Haunted Movie Marathon 2012 - Week 1

Yes, it is that time, finally! I have to admit, I got pretty antsy during the last week of September. I did actually sneak in a few warm-up horror movie watchings (which I may rewatch and review here later.) As always, first viewings are in orange, rewatches are in black. (May contain light spoilers.)

October 1st

Re-Animator (1985)
I decided to start with a classic. Re-Animator has a firmly-fixed spot on my "movies I could watch forever and never tire of" list, and this viewing certainly did not disappoint. I am not ashamed to admit how sexy I find Jeffrey Combs.

October 2nd

Prince of Darkness (1987)
I'm just going to copy pasta the Facebook status I made about this film for this review: Prince of Darkness has everything I have ever wanted in a film: Victor Wong, Alice Cooper, people exploding into bugs and puking into each other's mouths, a decapitated corpse picking up her own head, and a guy getting stabbed by a bicycle.

October 3rd

Bride of Re-Animator (1990)
As much as I love Re-Animator, I had never bothered to watch the sequels (I have Beyond Re-Animator on my list for later), so I was eager to fire this one up! I, of course, completely fell in love with it. I think my favorite part was the creature made of fingers and an eyeball, and the dog getting a human hand grafted onto it. Greatly looking forward to finishing up the trilogy later this month.

October 4th

Monster Dog (1984)
Put Alice Cooper in anything and I will watch it. Monster Dog is a terrible, terrible movie starring Alice Cooper as Vincent Raven, the world's most popular rock star. Don't get me wrong here: it's a shitty movie. The plot makes absolutely no sense, jumps around everywhere, the acting is atrocious, and the dubbing never syncs up. That said, I greatly enjoyed it. The best part by far is the opening music video, followed by the second musical number somewhere in the middle. Highly recommended for Alice Cooper fans and/or a bad movie night selection.

October 5th

Madhouse (1974)
It's no secret that I adore Vincent Prince. I feel like the Halloween season cannot truly start until I hear his voice, ideally talking about murdering some blonde tartlet. I actually thought this film was really well-done, and it had a cool plot twist at the end. It's a very meta film; Vincent Price is practically playing himself, and they even show clips from several of his films. Very fun.

October 6th

TerrorVision (1986)
I cannot believe how incredible this movie is. It's a sickeningly colorful, hilarious, over-the-top cheesy, awful-but-fantastic-at-the-same-time alien invasion film where the day is saved with the power of heavy metal (seriously.) Please trust me when I say you really will not regret watching this movie.

October 7th

Slither (2006)
Slither has been on my list for quite awhile, and I'm thrilled my roommates agreed we should all watch it Sunday night! I never actually saw the appeal of Nathan Fillion before, but now I have a full-on crush on him. Slither is gross, freaky, scary, and funny. Highly recommended.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

5 Awesome Spooky Necklaces for Halloween

Well, it's about that time. Early September means Halloween goods start to roll into shops and I start gorging myself on skeleton-themed goods, horror films, and things flavored like pumpkins and/or candy corn. Welcome to the only time of the year that matters (and likely the only time you will see me regularly blogging.)

I'm keeping it simple for my first post of the season: 5 awesome spooky necklaces that are great for Halloween, but can also be incorporated into your wardrobe year round, presented in no particular order.

Spooky Onyx Octopus Necklace at Plasticland
Spooky Onyx Octopus Necklace ~ $22

I know octopus pendants are a bit overdone, but I really love how spooky this one looks! The glossy black finish and strange eyes give it an awesome, mysterious feel.

Violet Voodoo Skull Necklace at Plasticland
Violet Voodoo Skull Necklace ~ $29

A cluster of skulls paired with round beads and a pleasant purple color make this necklace a great mixture of spooky and adorable.

Vinyl Blood Drip Choker at Gorey Details
Vinyl Blood Drip Choker ~ $17

This is my favorite from the collection of realistic vinyl effect chokers and bracelets by VonErickson. Cool, gory, and perfect for a variety of costumes.

Lost Soul Skeleton Pendant at Gorey Details
Lost Soul Skeleton Pendant ~ $25

Alchemy Gothic makes some pretty sick jewelry, and while this is certainly one of their more understated pieces, there's something really charming about it. Possibly the fact that it reminds me of crucifixion.

White Brass Skeleton Arms Necklace at Gorey Details
White Brass Skeleton Arms Necklace ~ $125

I know I said no particular order, but I did save my favorite for last. Who wouldn't want to have a necklace that makes it look like a skeleton is constantly hugging them?

Monday, March 12, 2012

That Time at Girl Scout Camp When a Horse Tried to Kill Me

I spent a few of my childhood summers at a Girl Scout camp called Camp El-O-Win. They had a variety of activities, including a brief foray into horseback riding. This should have been one of the more interesting parts of the camping experience, considering it was up against 'bracelet making' and 'not getting poison oak'. The only other thing to really look forward to was the one shower you got towards the end of the week.

blissfully unaware of the dangers looming ahead

It was my first time riding a horse (unless you count carnival pony rides or this adorable photograph), so the counselors picked one out for me that would be good for beginners. I ended up with 'Molly', a big brown clunky thing that I assumed would be docile. Gentle. Nice. You know, "good for beginners".

So, that was wrong. This horse was an asshole. I had no idea how to control a horse, but that probably wouldn't have mattered. It completely ignored me, started galloping at random intervals and, about 20 minutes into the trail, stopped altogether and sat down on the ground.

I immediately leapt off the horse. It proceeded to flip over onto its back and roll around in the dirt, kicking its legs in the air while I watched, horrified. One of the counselors ran over and grabbed me, praising me for "knowing" what is, I guess, the correct procedure for not getting crushed to death by a horse.

I still don't know what prompted me to jump off so quickly. It's not like they gave us a class on what to do when your horse decides, "Naw, sick of this walking shit. Imma roll around for awhile." I guess it was instinct; possibly the gut knowledge that this horse was a dick and would totally try to kill me if it got the chance.

never again

I haven't gotten on a horse since.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Thrifted Goodies ~ Strawberries, Teddy Bears, and Unicorns

I had to make a hardware store run today, so I figured I'd also stop at the Goodwill nearby. Like most thrift stores, this is a pretty hit or miss shop, although this one in particular has been more miss than hit in my experience. This time, though, I found gem after gem. These gorgeous items seemed to jump out at me as soon as I entered the store! Now that I think about it, this may have been my best haul from this particular Goodwill (Clement St.), which up until now could not compete at all with the one on Fillmore.

Strawberry Teapot
Strawberry Teapot ~ $3.49

I almost died when I saw this. The only thing I love more than tea is strawberries, and here the two have combined into one gorgeous piece! Also, for $3.49, this might be the most inexpensive piece of teaware I own. It will make a perfect addition to my next lolita tea party.

Teddy Bear Kitchen Canister
Teddy Bear Kitchen Canister ~ $5.49

I've said it before, but the easiest way to get me to buy something is to put a teddy bear on it. I love kitchen canisters, too. (I have a Sear's Merry Mushroom canister set holding dry goods in my cupboard.) I buy a lot of bulk dry goods, so it's always nice to have a sturdy container to store them in. PLUS, TEDDY BEARS.

Pastel Unicorn Plush
HUGE Pastel Pink & Lavender Unicorn Plush ~ $2.49

Okay, seriously, this thing is huge. I feel like the $2.49 price tag should have been a mistake, especially since Goodwill stores seem to have this odd tendency to price items by size (often to one's advantage; I got a Yixing teapot for 99 cents at the Fillmore Goodwill.) Anyway, who cares, because a giant pink and lavender unicorn now lives on my couch.

Not pictured: 3 denim mini skirts and a tartan mini skirt originally from Torrid, $5.49 each. The Torrid skirt is too big, but that's an easy fix. I didn't feel like photographing them, so just imagine cute denim skirts that make my ass look amazing.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

5 Excellent Game Boy Games from My Youth

Pretty much everyone knows I've been a Pokémon addict master since I was 13, but did you know that I was passionate about a number of other games before Pokémon? Like most kids in the late 80s/early 90s, I really, really wanted to play Nintendo. Most of my friends had either an NES or SNES (or both), and my siblings and I wanted one, too. For a variety of reasons (cost/distracting from schoolwork/we only had one television), my parents refused to get one for us.

I'm pretty sure I whined about this almost daily, and the eventual compromise was to get my sister and I each a Game Boy and one game for Christmas. I was so happy. Finally, I could play video games of my own. Not only that, but it was a one-player system, meaning I would never have to wait for one of my jerk friends to finally relinquish the controller so I could have a freaking round at Mario.* Just about every childhood memory I have revolves around playing that Game Boy: Saturday afternoons, visits to relatives, summers spent helping my dad at his shop, or my mom at the school library were all accompanied by that big, grey brick. I'm pretty sure I even snuck it into church a few times.

*The majority of my experiences with video games up until that point had been at friend's houses, where I was usually resigned to maybe 5 minutes of play time for every three hours of watching them play. When I did get to play, of course I would die quickly because I had no experience with the game, meaning my turn would be over and I'd have to wait another three hours.

For our first games, my sister picked Jurassic Park, which is just...just terrible. (Check out this playthrough video. It is 6 minutes of literally nothing happening. I've been distrustful of film tie-up games ever since.) I wanted to go for something cuter, of course, so I picked...

Monday, January 30, 2012

Alien vs Ramen

I present to you...Alien chopsticks.

Alien Big Chap Chopsticks
Alien Big Chap Chopsticks

Alien Face Hugger Chopsticks
Alien Face Hugger Chopsticks

Alien Chest Burster Chopsticks
Alien Chest Burster Chopsticks

Yeah, I pretty much flipped out when I saw these. They combine two of my all-time favorite things: the Alien franchise, and devices that carry food into my mouth. These finely detailed chopsticks by Kotobukiya are available for only $9.99 each at Entertainment Earth. The bad news is, they are only available for preorder and will not be released until July. The good news is, my birthday is in July! Obviously I want all three of them.

As a side note, it tickles me that these are in the "Dining and Entertaining" category. Because yeah, these are totally appropriate for a swanky dinner party. Just gonna lay these out next to the cloth napkins and fine china.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

X is Hotter Than Y: Your Attitude is Wrong and You Should Shut Up

Let's talk for a minute about body autonomy, and the attitude that some of you seem to hold that other people, specifically women*, do not have it. The idea that a woman's body, when posted online (with or without her permission) or simply existing in a public space, is up for critique and scrutiny, is perpetuated in several memes that have been floating around the internet lately, specifically those of the "when did this become hotter than this" variety.

Despite the fact that I think most of us can agree that these memes are trite, hackneyed, and violently stupid (and yet I saw plenty of people posting them unironically), they are indicative of a greater problem for which there is less outcry: the obscenely pervasive mindset of "I see a woman. Her body exists for my critique and/or pleasure. If her appearance is not to my taste, she should be ridiculed."

Why is this a problem, you might ask? After all, it is in most humans' interest to select someone they find physically attractive to mate with, therefore they should be able to express whether or not they find someone attractive. Sure, fair enough. But here's the thing you need to understand: none of these people are even remotely interested in mating with you anyway. You're talking to a picture in a magazine, or a person on TV, or, at best, a stranger's photo you reblogged. I can assure you that they don't give a shit about your opinion of their hairstyle.

Try this: the next time you are about to post someone else's photo to your Facebook profile or Tumblr (with or without "witty" commentary), ask yourself the following question: did this person alter (or not alter) their body, put on this outfit, do their hair and/or make-up in this fashion, and pose in this way with you specifically in mind, and then email the photo to your personal email address with a note requesting you to publicly express your opinion on their attractiveness? If the answer is no, take your hand off the share button and keep your mouth shut.

"But Ariel," you might say, "I'm not one of those people telling women that they need to lose weight or wear make-up or have plastic surgery in order to be pretty! I prefer girls who are natural!" That's nice, and by all means feel free to date people who suit your tastes (whatever the fuck "natural" even means in so far as referring to humans.) But you need to understand that telling someone they are unnatural or unattractive because they in some way fit the standards of American beauty you seek to subvert (whether they are doing so intentionally or not) is still an attempt to exercise control over someone else's body.

While I understand that the concept behind posting photos of very thin women, with captions implying that they are unattractive and likely suffering from the mental illness known as anorexia nervosa, is to point out that America has a diseased standard of beauty that can lead to self harm, and that no woman should feel pressure to starve herself or get surgery for the sake of thinness if she doesn't want to, the real message these memes are providing is actually every bit as sinister as the one it claims to go against. There is little (if any) difference between a magazine saying a woman should be thin in order to be healthy and attractive, and you saying a woman should be "curvy" in order to be healthy and attractive. (Nevermind that both "ideals" ignore and demonize fat people.)

People's bodies come in all shapes and sizes, and body shape or size is not necessarily indicative of health, nor should someone's health (especially a stranger's) be any of your fucking business. (Also, the trope of "healthy = attractive" is some serious bullshit, and abhorrently offensive to people who are disabled and/or have a chronic illness.) True, no one should ever feel bad for being who they are, nor feel pressure to conform to other's beauty standards, but this is not the way to deal with those issues. All you're basically saying is, "Don't conform to those beauty standards! Conform to these beauty standards!"

To put it succinctly, insulting or deriding as ugly/fake/desperate someone who is thin, or someone who has had surgery, body modifications, is wearing a lot of make-up, or does not otherwise conform to what you find attractive is shit. When I put on an outfit, make-up, or alter my body, even if it is something very extreme, I am not doing so to win your approval, nor am I doing so because I think that is what you or anyone else should be doing with your body. I'm doing it because I own this meatsack, and I will do what I please with it. Some random asshole not finding me sexually attractive is of absolutely zero consequence to me. Mine and other people's bodies don't exist for the sake of pleasing the eyes of others at all hours of every day. They exist for the same reason your body exists: to house and protect their organs, convert food into energy, and provide various other functions necessary for survival.

Oh, and just to preemptively strike down one of the "arguments" commonly used in defense of these repulsive actions: "well if she didn't want my opinion, why did she put the photo online?" Again, the likelihood that the photo in question was posted for you is so small as to be immeasurable by any modern science. This mindset is disturbingly similar to, "if she didn't want to be harassed and judged for her appearance, why did she go outside?" Photos are a large part of how we communicate online; it is fairly likely there is a photo or two online of every single person reading this. Most people do not post photos online with the intention of receiving harassment and ridicule.

*I refer to women and use female pronouns in this entry because the overwhelming majority of examples of this issue I have seen are directed towards cis-women. I do not intend to offend or erase anyone who does not fit this profile. I also refer to America because that's where I live and have the most experience from. This problem certainly extends farther than the US.

Monday, January 23, 2012

5 Things You Should Never Say to Someone with Psoriasis

I'm coming into my 7th year of finding ways to deal with having severe psoriasis in social situations, and while most people I come into contact with are pretty cool about it, some find themselves unable to stop the flow of horrible, horrible word vomit coming out of their face-holes. Here are a few "conversation points" to avoid.

"Is it contagious?"
Yes, that's why I'm out in public, sitting on your couch, eating your cereal directly from the box with my hands, without any kind of protection instead of, I don't know, in quarantine? I am that big of an asshole.

"Can't you just put lotion on?"
Holy shit, stop the presses. In the thousands of years people have been dealing with psoriasis, not a single person ever thought to apply any kind of cream or unguent. YOU DESERVE AN AWARD.

"Have you tried changing laundry detergents?"
Unless laundry detergent is capable of altering one's genetic makeup, I...wait a minute, this canister doesn't say "TIDE" says "TCRI"!!

Nooooooooooo...but my whites are brighter than ever!

"My auntie/cousin/guy I always see at the bus stop uses some batshit home remedy, you should try that!"
Your auntie is a doctor, is she? Look, the only reason I'm going to slather my body with Vicks VapoRub is if I want to attract koala bears (and, let's be honest, I do. Be my friend, koala bears.)

"Isn't that caused by stressed? You should stop being stressed!"
Unless you are offering to pay all my expenses, chauffeur me around in a private jet, cook and clean my house for me, end poverty, racism, misogyny, and hatred towards the LGBTQIA community, hire me a personal masseuse, and provide me with a lifetime supply of lavender-scented candles, shut your damn mouth.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

My Top 5 Film Crushes

Like most people who spend the majority of their life on the internet, I spend a lot of time fantasizing about making out with various fictional characters. While I suppose dreaming about kissing film characters is slightly more realistic than say, comic or anime characters, the sad fact is it is highly unlikely my desires will ever be fulfilled. Still, I can dream, so here are my top 5 movie crushes of my life thus far.

David Bowie as Jareth the Goblin King, Labyrinth (1986)

Oh, I know, everyone has a crush on Jareth, and with good reason. He's hot, he's sassy, he's David-Fucking-Bowie. He's a delicious, other-worldly faerie. Need I say more? No. Next.

John Hurt as Kane, Alien (1979)

Not gonna lie, I still think John Hurt is sexy, but 1979 was a really hot year for him. He's lithe, scruffy, and boyish while still having the sexy, older man thing going on. Unf. I just wish it was a bit easier to find images of him pre-chest burst.

Katherine E. Scharhon as Wendy Hale/Chance Hale, Brand Upon the Brain! (2006)

Oh jeez, this movie. If you haven't seen any of Canadian independent filmmaker Guy Maddin's work, I highly recommend it (provided you enjoy sad, disturbing, esoteric cinema). In the semi-autobiographical Brand Upon the Brain!, the exquisite creature Katherine E. Scharhon plays teenage detective Wendy Hale who disguises herself as her brother, Chance Hale. Wendy and Chance both become the object of young Guy's (and my) affection.

Guy and his older sister Sis are unaware that Chance is really Wendy, and Sis of course falls for Chance. In order to prevent Sis from realising that she is really female, Chance puts on a pair of gloves and tells her they are "kissing gloves", and only the wearer may touch the other person. Excuse me while I swoon a bit.

Clea DuVall as Graham, But I'm a Cheerleader (1999)

But I'm a Cheerleader was one of the first "gay" movies I watched when I was a teenager trying to figure out my sexuality. As soon as Graham introduces herself with, "I like girls...a lot. Oh, and I'm a homosexual." I was smitten. Graham is a great contrast to innocent, naive Meghan: she's smart, confident, self-assured, and did I mention wicked hot?

Cary Elwes as Robin of Loxley, Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993)

I know most people would cite Westley as the ultimate in Cary Elwes sexiness, but I have a really soft spot for him in this movie. I must have seen it at least 300 times. When I was a kid, I think I rented it from the video store at least once a week until I eventually got my own VHS copy for Christmas. Being pretty young when I became so obsessed with it, a lot of the more adult jokes were a bit lost on me, but that didn't stop me from endlessly daydreaming about "marrying" Sir Robin.

Be sure to join me next time when I discuss more fictional characters I want to share saliva with. Who are your favorite movie crushes??